


The Bop-It Sex Club

by NympheSama



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Jack being Jack, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, No Smut, Stupidity, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:35:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25445500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NympheSama/pseuds/NympheSama
Summary: Jack finds something he finds amusingRhys is... less impressed
Relationships: Handsome Jack/Rhys (Borderlands)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	The Bop-It Sex Club

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BootlegFireworks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BootlegFireworks/gifts).



> This is entirely based on a dumbass little troll a friend of mine dealt with; this is my way of just, idk, making a little something fun out of stupidity
> 
> So, blame Rae! 🎉🤣
> 
> x My love to you all x

**The Bop-It Sex Club**

"What the fuck is this place?" Rhys asked, frowning at the neon sign above a back alley doorway which was most  _ definitely _ , not trustworthy. "Jack, I don't think I want to have to deal with anymore of your bullshit today. Can't we go home, fuck and sleep?" He sighed.

"Aw, c'mon, Rhysie!" Jack protested loudly. Rhys rolled his eyes. Jack did  _ everything _ loudly. "Ya gotta give it a chance, Cupcake… just, just trust me on this one, m'kay? Trust Jack, alright?"

"Right," Rhys scoffed, folding his arms over his chest. "Because  _ that's _ never got anyone into any kind of trouble, dangerous or even life threatening situations before…"

"Aw, c'mon!" Jack groaned, rolling his eyes and waving his arms dramatically. "You can't hold a grudge forever, Rhysie!" He declared, pausing in awkward silence for a long moment, when Rhys' only reaction was to raise an eyebrow and stare at him. "Well, okay… maybe  _ you _ can, but I swear, Cupcake! This will make it  _ all _ better!"

Rhys sighed and looked dubiously at the entrance again. "I really don't see how a club called  _ Bop It _ is going to make anything better," he finally relented, lowering his arms and waving one negligently toward the door. "But fine, I'll indulge you this time." He huffed, as if he didn't  _ always _ end up indulging Jack in his idiotic whims.

"Aw,  _ man! _ I am so excited for this…" Jack cheered, cracking his knuckles ominously as he beamed gleefully at the door. "Do you see me shaking? Look at me, look at me…" he said rapidly, holding out his trembling hand for Rhys to see. "I'm  _ literally _ shaking!" He laughed.

" _ Jack _ ," Rhys sighed, rubbing his forehead tiredly.

"Oh, right…" Jack snorted, exhaling a deep breath before holding out his hand and closing his eyes, willing the doors open and turning to Rhys with a wide grin. " _ Shaking! _ "

Rhys groaned as the hologram laughed and disappeared in a blue puff of pixels. "I hate it when he does that." He complained petulantly, reluctantly heading through the doors to find out whatever it was that had excited Jack so much. He looked around with vague curiosity as he walked through a… well, a pretty bland ass lobby, actually. After Jack's excitement, he'd kind of been expecting something… well,  _ more. _

"Okay, Jack…" he sighed as he strolled past a desk clerk who was either bored to the point of zombie-like rigidity, asleep or… possibly just dead in their chair. "Just what the hell is it you wanted me to see, exactly? Besides some,  _ really _ crappy decor…"

Rhys yelped as Jack reappeared before him, his blue face suddenly looming in front of his; twisted by a wide grin. "Urgh, don't  _ do _ that!" He scolded as he calmed himself, scowling as he smoothed his hair and glanced around to make sure nobody had seen his outburst. "You  _ know _ I hate it when you do that! Stop being a jackass and just tell me what all this is about, you-" Rhys fell silent as Jack pointed to a door with both fingers; firing them like little guns to make the door swing open slowly. "Oh…  _ wow _ ," he mused, blinking in surprise at the colourful,  _ confusing _ scene beyond them. "Jaaaack… what  _ is _ this I'm seeing, exactly?"

"Rhysie, ain't it somethin'?" Jack crackled gleefully. "You know back before you came to Helios; when you were just some dumbass little kid, living in your mommy and daddy's basement-"

"I did  _ not _ live in my parents basement!" Rhys protested, throwing the hologram an irritated look.

"Whatever, whatever, shut up, this is funny, alright?" Jack said in a rush, waving his hands in a way which was both placating and dismissive together. "So anyway,  _ this _ is a club; for  _ aaaaalllll _ those little weirdos who should be livin' in their parents basements, still sucking away at their mommy's tits by the time their, like, I dunno, probably forty or something?"

"Riiiight," Rhys said slowly, frowning as he shook his head at the outright disturbing sight of so many… cringe worthy idiots laughing and joking together. "My next question, then;  _ why _ does this place exist?"

" _ Pfft _ , beats me." Jack snorted, looking around with an amused grin. "I never let shit like this spring up when I was alive… some dumbass must have thought it was okay to let these idiots make their own space, rather than just airlocking them all."

Rhys gave Jack a pointed look, until the AI rolled his eyes and laughed quietly. "I'm not pointing fingers here," he said, raising his hands placatingly. "I'm  _ just _ saying…  _ before _ you took over, someone was an idiot."

Rhys sighed and rubbed his brow with his shiny, chrome hand. "Okay, so  _ why _ are you showing me?" He asked, raising a brow as he spread his palms and then gestured toward the 'bar', which appeared to only be selling milk. "Why did  _ I _ have to see this?"

"Hey, I saw it, so you gotta to." Jack snorted, grinning over at Rhys. "C'mon you gotta hear some of the dumbass shit they say… just, just trust me, Rhysie; it's freakin' hilarious how  _ stupid _ they are!"

"Jack, I really don't think I have time-" Rhys began, only for Jack to disappear in a puff of pixels again, reappearing almost instantly over by the self proclaimed bar. "-for this… urgh, I have  _ got _ to take a look at his programming so I can stop him doing that." He complained to himself, sighing as he reluctantly followed Jack over to the bar.

He rolled his eyes as he approached, noticing Jack was having a ball by listening in to private conversations and making rude gestures; none of which anybody could see, due to the fact that he had insisted on making the trip today in Rhys' head. Rhys couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing in the long run, but he had a heavy suspicion, considering Jack's previous jaunts around the station in Rhys' head.

"I'd make a slut beg for it, as I make them can't walk for weeks…"

Rhys turned his head at the voice, blinking distractedly at the strange comment. He paused in disbelief, leaning against the edge of the bar to try and blend in; though the idea of _ blending  _ in such a place as this, made his skin break out in a rash beneath his crisp black shirt.

"Yeah..!" Rhys locked his eyes on two gangly, spotty teens at the end of the bar; one with such a severe case of mono-brow that Rhys' fingers twitches with the urge to grab some tweezers. The other teen, seemed to have either a very unfortunate case of space herpes, or had been born with an oddly bulbous nose. Both seemed oblivious to this as they smirked at each other smugly over their glasses of milk.

"As they went to blow job my gigantic cock, I'd blush..." Rhys blinked as the first voice spoke again, Mr Bushybrow, as Rhys decided to call him. He glanced down at the teens waist unconsciously, seriously doubting there was anything 'gigantic' down there… except maybe a pair of socks. "I'd moan as my slutty baby blow job my cock. I'd tell them, 'your my favourite' as I tilt their head up and gave them a kiss."

"Yeah…" the second voice chuckled again, seeming either incapable of saying anything further, or just too in awe of the descriptive dialogue which was, frankly, making Rhys feel nauseous. 

"I'd grab they gigantic boobs," Bushybrow continued, as Rhys glanced around, frowning as he wondered if  _ everyone _ in this place could actually be even half so stupid. "And slowly  _ turn _ them around… they like that so much." He said confidently, as Rhys looked back at him and blinked in disbelief.

Did this kid think breasts were attached by rotating blades? Did he believe they were detachable? To be repositioned as he saw fit?

Rhys made a mental note to look into the Helios Education system and make sure the importance of basic human anatomy was a  _ lot _ higher on the curriculum list.

"I say, 'you always be my favourite ever,' and I put my face on they boobs as I get wild…" Rhys wasn't sure he could stomach the idiots idea of 'getting wild,' but he was unable to move himself away, caught in place by a morbid fascination of the level of  _ stupid _ one person could exude. "We'd do the missionary and they'd do the cowgirl on top of me."

Rhys felt bile crawl up his throat and he forced himself to swallow heavily, forcing it back into the churning pit of his stomach. "Oh god, I can't believe this…" he muttered, shaking his head as he continued to stare at the pair. "This can't be real."

"Oh, but it  _ is _ , Cupcake!" Jack laughed loudly in his ear, startling him with a small yelp. "This place is a freakin'  _ goldmine _ of stupidity and bad pickups," he crackled gleefully. "It's… it's, oh… I- ah, ha ha  _ haaa _ !"

Rhys rolled his eyes at Jack's glee, but couldn't help but agree. The entire 'bar' was beyond a joke; and everyone in it seemed to be as idiotic as the pair he had been eavesdropping on.

"I put both my hands on their gigantic breast." Rhys raised a brow, wondering if this mystery person had just one breast, or if this kid had finally just stepped into a new realm of stupid. "We both get super wet for each other. I'd say, 'fuck baby your-' as I can't stop coming in they both wombs," Rhys raised both brows, his lips parting in disbelief as he was once again, proven there was a new low in levels of stupidity. 

"Huh, huh,  _ yeah _ …" Mr Bulbous laughed lowly, as Rhys shook his head and wrinkled his nose, trying to stop the awful image forming in his head.

"I'd see they both stomach and breasts getting  _ humongous  _ as my cock cum fills them both up as I lock them up in breeding season." Bushybrow concluded with some low grunting, as Rhys looked over at them in wide eyed shock, concerned about these kids sanity as they grunted and hurtled together.

" _Arrrghhhhh_ _fuuuuuck yeah!_ " Mr Bulbous yelled, startling Rhys as he backed away from the bar, shaking his head as Jack cackled beside him.

"Do you see, Rhysie? Do you  _ see? _ " He demanded, barely catching his breath; which was kind of impressive for an AI. "Oh,  _ man _ , this place is full of horny, dumbasses who wouldn't know their own dick from a  _ cucumber _ !" He gasped, pressing a hand over his chest and flailing wildly as he stumbled along beside Ehys toward the exit. "Hey, wait, you're not  _ leaving _ already, are you? Aw, c'mon Rhysie! Think of all the funny shit we can laugh at these idiots for! This place is-"

"This place is a sty," Rhys said with a grimace, shaking his head as he rubbed his brow, trying to alleviate the headache he felt building. "It's downright  _ dangerous _ for those idiots to be allowed to keep thinking that way." He sighed, walking out the main entrance and glancing back at the building dubiously. "I'm not entirely sure I shouldn't send an exterminator in there… that level of dumbass might be contagious, for all I know."

Jack cackled, motioning to pat Rhys on the shoulder, though his hand slid straight through him. "Oh, Rhysie… you're a funny fucker, you know that? I love you, Rhysie, oh,  _ man _ … exterminator…"

Rhys allowed himself a small grin, shaking his head as he turned away. "Hey, are Zane or Tim still on Helios?" He asked curiously, as Jack abruptly stopped laughing.

"... yeah," he said slowly, narrowing his eyes as Rhys sighed with obvious relief. "Why?" He demanded.

"Because after seeing all of…  _ that,"  _ Rhys sneered, gesturing back to the awful place Jack had shown him. "I need a long, hard fuck; and, well, seeing as you're not up to the task and all…" he said innocently, his lips curved in a devious smirk and sashaying his hips as he walked away.

"Oh, I am  _ more _ than up to the task, Cupcake," Jack promised lowly, disappearing and reappearing in Rhys' path. "Put me back into Helios' systems and you  _ know _ I can make you feel good… got plenty of new toys we had made-"

"Oh, no… I don't think that's gonna do it." Rhys replied nonchalantly, his eyes glinting mischievously as he stepped around Jack. "I think I might even need…  _ both _ of them."

"What?" Jack snarled, his blue face reddening. "Bullshit, I can give you  _ anything _ those assholes can; and I can keep going endlessly! They'd just; cum and go! … ha ha…" Jack paused to laugh at his own joke, but he frowned when Rhys didn't laugh with him. "C'mon, Rhysie, don't make me see that…"

"I dunno," Rhys said innocently. " _ You _ made me see  _ this _ ," he said, glancing at Jack slyly.

"Oooooh, oh, I see what you're trying to do…" Jack chuckled. "Alright, Rhysie, I promise not to make you see the little idiots again. I'll seal off the area and start airlocking them in the morning, alright?"

Rhys hummed, pausing in his tracks and turning back to Jack with a grin. "Maybe I'll plug you in after all…" he said, his lips twitching with amusement as Jack's shoulders sagged with relief. "Might be fun to have three of us at your mercy and all." He added negligently, turning and continuing on his way, as Jack stared after him dumbly.

"R-Rhys!" He called, blinking as Rhys continued to walk away, a noticeable bounce in his step as he hummed to himself. Jack watched him go, an image forming of three naked and sweaty bodies beneath his new play area; Rhys, long legged beauty. Tim, distractingly handsome, naturally; and Zane, the original silver fox and the filthiest bastard to grace the sexual world, save for Jack himself, when he was alive.

Jack smiled slowly, disappearing in a puff of pixels and reappearing in Rhys' bedroom, waiting impatiently to be reconnected to Helios' systems, so he could play with some old toys; and some new.

**Author's Note:**

> If you REALLY want; I can try add another chapter of the anticipated smut - but y'all gotta lemme know if ya want it cuz otherwise i wont bother 😅
> 
> Love ya's ❤


End file.
